Marriage Rules – Part 2
Am I the jerk here?
Dear Reader,
Back in February, I published “Marriage Rules – Part 1,” a subject that was top of mind at the time. If you're new here, especially if you subscribed to my newsletter after seeing my recent sneaker post, you might be surprised to see this as a topic. But Soap As Fashion is an intellectual style newsletter, with tips for living your best (real) life, after all. Life wisdom big and small, if you will, under the auspices of fashion and style. I wish there were a less corny way to say it. LMK if you think of one.
In the words of a recent
article:Things are cursed. Swag, grace and dignity are under assault. The answer, though, isn’t to lionize and fetishize old, crumbling seats of power. It’s to do something much harder: Maintain the blessed, pro-social institutions we already have, while working to create different ones, where new kinds of beauty, elegance, human greatness, and coolness, can thrive.
Um, yes please.
Marriage—arguably one of the most blessed, pro-social institutions—as a topic, has imposed itself on me again recently. And when we’re being bombarded with such gross fakeness everywhere we turn these days, it’s an act of resistance to keep it real. So, I’ve come back to this series this week.
I’ve unlocked the first post if you’d like to go back and read it.
Here is the second installment, in no particular order, of Marriage Rules (6-10)1. Each could probably be its own essay, but I’m offering them as a jumping off point—take what resonates, leave what doesn’t. And like before, these apply to more than just married people. If you’re single/not married, I love you.
Marriage Rules (6-10):
Don’t let resentments fester. They always come out eventually. Sometimes as a blowup over something minor, sometimes as slow erosion—emotionally, even physically. The tricky part is knowing what’s worth bringing up (in a constructive way) and what’s better to truly let go of. We all have different tolerances for confrontation, but holding in long-term resentments shouldn’t be an option.
Take care of your own issues. This ties back to Rule #4 (Part 1): don’t be a downer. If something’s off—your energy, your outlook, your habits—you’re the one primarily responsible for working on it. Whether it’s a minor health issue, repeating complaints, or a mood rut, don’t make it your partner’s job to fix it for you. Own what’s within your control. Anything you’re going through affects them too.
Don’t rely on your partner for your whole perspective. Ideally you also have some trusted friends or family members to bounce things off of. This applies especially to men (who often reserve even remotely serious conversations for their spouse), but women are affected too—especially during isolating life phases (infertility, postpartum, peri/menopause, etc.) Of course, if something is bothering you, you should talk about it with your spouse. But if you’re stuck in your head about something, talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can be good for your relationship and for your mental health. Not only can it help you feel more grounded and give you that confidence-building “me too” feeling, but it can also take pressure off your partner—especially when you disagree or if it’s something that’s harder for them to relate to. Having outside context (ideally from someone you both respect) can help move things forward with more clarity and less emotional charge.
Get in the habit of asking yourself “am I the asshole?”2 They say if your primary takeaway from reading the Bible is to judge other people, you’re doing it wrong. In the same vein—if you’re in a fight or feeling frustrated with someone you love—pause to ask: am I actually the jerk here?
Marriage is a long conversation. This Nietzsche quote coincidentally came up in my Substack feed as I was putting this piece together: “When entering a marriage, one should ask the question: do you think you will be able to have good conversations with this woman </man> right into old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory, but most of the time in interaction is spent in conversation.”3 But of course, as mentioned in Rule #3, you have to keep the zhuzh going too.
Nothing worth having is easy—blurg!
This is the second installment of Marriage Rules. I’d love to hear your thoughts—feel free to comment below or reply to this email.
XOXO with love,
Cher
I’m not a doctor, and nothing in this newsletter is meant as medical advice. I’m not a licensed therapist (yet)—just sharing personal experience in the hope it helps. Please seek professional support if you need it.
For those not aware**, “am I the asshole” aka “AITA” is the title of a popular reddit thread and cultural reference point where people pose conflict scenarios asking whether they were the one in the wrong, and commenters weigh in. (I’m not on reddit.)
So true❤️