Marriage Rules – Part 1

And a healthy / super easy ice cream dupe

Editor’s note:

I want to give you a heads up before you get there and are disappointed: the end of this post is only available to paid subscribers. I know it’s annoying to have to pay for content when we’ve been trained not to. Most of this post, and most of my content in general, is/will still be fully available to free subscribers, so if you like getting these newsletters but don’t feel like upgrading, no worries! Lots of good stuff, and I’m so glad you’re here. In some cases, there is a level of intimacy in what I’m sharing that feels more comfortable to share with those willing to make a small gesture of good faith. At $5 to upgrade, it’s lower stakes than a latte—but I’m not here to sell you. I just wrote a whole essay about privacy. Go with whatever feels right for you—this is what feels right for me. Thanks for your understanding, Xo.

Dear Reader,

The thing about committing to writing/publishing something on a regular cadence, is that it forces you to go with whatever idea feels most relevant/genuine in the moment. Whether it feels “too big” or “too trivial”¹ is beside the point, because you need something to write about. And when I say you, I mean me.

The trick is to just go with it. The worst thing that could happen if my writing doesn’t hit the right note between profound and perfunctory is that people won’t like it. Not great for the ego—but not that bad. As long as it’s of value to someone, it’s worth it. So here we go: today’s main topic is…marriage.

But before we get into that, I want to share a fun snack / easy healthy treat that my 3-year-old and I made the other day:

A healthy / super easy ice cream dupe

It was straight out of a Daniel Tiger book (if you have young kids or know anyone who does you’ll know what that is), where they call it “banana swirl”. To make it, all you do is freeze a couple of bananas in the freezer, and then put them in the blender. Blend just until smooth (not so much that it turns into liquid). Pro tip is to remove the banana peels before you put them in the freezer (put them in a freezer safe container). We didn’t realize this, and I ended up having to cut the frozen peels off with a knife—but it still turned out great! It tastes like banana ice cream, just like it says in the book, ha. My daughter loved it, and it’s the perfect healthy sub when you’re craving ice cream. Throw some dark chocolate chips/cacao nibs on top if that sounds good, and voilà.

Marriage Rules – Part 1

Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy and John F. Kennedy Jr.

Notably, there are several people in my life who are currently going through separation or divorce.

I’m married myself, and as any married person will tell you, it’s not for the faint of heart.

While every relationship is different, and there are almost always exceptions to every rule, in my experience there are certain fundamentals of marriage. And they aren’t always taught or discussed.

Also, as a side note, most of these rules apply to any close relationship. If you are single, as I was for many years, I love you.

You may be wondering, “who are you to dole out marriage advice?”

I could tell you that one of my goals, that crystallized after a significant period of identity loss postpartum², is to eventually become a marriage & family therapist, and that I’ve had a keen interest in relationships since I was born. That I’ve centered my life around maintaining close relationships, and that I’m usually able to see both sides of a situation and help navigate conflict accordingly. My husband can attest that I’ve often played a therapist role in our marriage. But those are just words, and it’s not about me. I’m not making assertions about how well I follow the rules myself.

I do, however, think I have some idea of what the rules are. So, I thought I’d start sharing them. Not the rules for marriages of convenience, or marriages for power, or for the one-dimensional “happy-ever-after” type of marriages we learned about in fairytales, but for the real kind.

This is not a comprehensive list, and it’s in no particular order. Please read with the acknowledgment that there are exceptions and caveats to every rule. This is Part 1 (Marriage Rules 1-5):

1. Continue taking interest in the small details. These are what distinguish our experience from someone else’s and what make us unique. We all just want to be seen, find commonality, and be loved for who we truly are. We’re all just kitty corns³. The experience of getting to truly know someone takes more than a lifetime. There are always more details to know—have the curiosity to continue learning about them.

2. Don’t let the closeness slip away for too long. There may be times when you don’t feel as close. As life goes on, you will be taken in different directions and may want to pursue different things. Don’t let those things get in the way of putting your partner first. Only the two of you will know how long is “too long” to let things feel not as connected. If you aren’t sure, it’s been too long. Check back in.

3. Sex is important. I remember reading a long time ago that the happiest couples have sex about once a week. The few times it’s come up in

   conversation, I was surprised that the people I mentioned it to weren’t aware of this. The study, which surveyed over 30K Americans over the course of 40 years, was published in 2015, the same year I got married.

   Emily Oster recently published data showing how parents' sex frequency changes as children age (spoiler: sex is least frequent when the child is <1, and trends up from there).

   These numbers are just reference points and might not make sense for you in whichever direction. No judgement. There will be different phases of life where the baseline average number may go up or down. There may be illnesses, periods of grief, months postpartum, etc., where sex is off the table completely.

   The main thing is that you and your partner are on the same page. The point is to maintain intimacy. This is important.

4. Don’t be a downer⁴. Be mindful of bringing negative energy into the house, especially on a regular or prolonged basis. I’m seeing Mel Robbins’ “let them” theory everywhere lately, which is basically, “don’t waste your energy on small things you can’t control”. This doesn’t mean you can’t have a bad day, or that you should pretend to be happy when there’s a genuine reason not to be. Be authentic. But bad/sad energy is a tangible thing. If you’re going to bring negative energy, be intentional about it. This becomes especially true if there are kids in the house, but it’s true regardless. Sometimes you just have to rally.

5. Keep things special. The “holiday paradox” is a term coined by a neuroscientist to describe why time feels longer when you’re doing something out of the ordinary. It says that when we do the same things every day, our brain compresses those experiences into a blur. But when we travel (i.e. go on holiday) or encounter new things, the brain creates more detailed memories, making that period seem richer and longer in retrospect. That’s why childhood feels long (everything is new) and adulthood feels faster (more routines). Celebrate. Make memories. It’s the little things.

This is the first installment of Marriage Rules. There will be more. I’d love your thoughts—feel free to comment if you have anything to share (comment on the post directly in the Substack app or just reply to this email). Thank you for reading.

With love xoxo,

Cher

1. Or any other negative thing your primal brain throws out. Apparently, no matter how successful you get, this naysayer part of your brain that wants to keep you in your comfort/safe zone never goes away.

2. The CEO of HeyMama asked me to write about the experience of postpartum identity loss late last year and posted it earlier this week.

3. One of my best friends gave my daughter this book about the friendship between a cat and a unicorn that encompasses this perfectly, lol. I love it so much.

4. I’m not talking about actual depression or similar mental health issues, that is something else.