I’m Nobody! Who are you?

PRIVACY IS THE ULTIMATE LUXURY (and some fun things for V-Day)

Dear Reader,

First, some housekeeping: if you’ve been following along, you’ll know I’ve committed to my writing this year. For now, that commitment means that I will be sending a new post here on Substack at least every other Friday. That is what you can expect and hold me to ;)¹

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I’ve been thinking about privacy lately. I distinctly remember having conversations about privacy with my best girlfriends when we were in our early twenties (back in the 2000s). More specifically, we had conversations about whether we wanted to be famous, while perusing the latest US Weekly print magazines. We were just starting out in our fashion careers, living in Manhattan, and we thought we were the real life SATC characters. As we flipped through magazine pictures of Britney and Paris and Mary-Kate & Ashley, I remember one of my best friends endearingly said she would absolutely love to be famous! And proceeded to put on her black sunglasses and toss her naturally blonde hair around demonstratively. My response was that I emphatically did not want to be famous but would love to be privately wealthy instead. (Lol).

Fast forward to today, and this question of privacy vs becoming famous is seemingly more relevant than ever—in a time when “being famous” is seemingly more attainable, and not only that, but more expected than ever. If you own your own business (hi), have your own medical practice, if you’re an author, have any sort of prominent role in the corporate world, etc., it’s almost a given that you need to have some sort of prominent digital presence. You’re expected to have a constant stream of “behind the scenes” content. The oversharing from people of all stripes on all social media channels has become ubiquitous. The term “parasocial relationship”² has become common in the zeitgeist. More and more people are “building their following” and “building their personal brand”.

My instinct over the past (10-20?) years—partly generational, and partly what just feels like my true nature—has mostly been to recoil at all of this.

But I’ve started realizing two disparate things simultaneously: 1) I’m seeing small inklings of this “no privacy” trend start to tilt back in the other direction. Privacy is becoming chic again (to me it always was). And 2) I’m kind of just now realizing how “being famous” (whether that means being an actual celebrity of sorts, or just being well-known in your community) gives you the chance to have a voice. And how valuable that can be if you’re trying to make a positive impact on the world.

This second thing may seem obvious, i.e. being famous gives you more opportunity to use your voice and make a larger impact. And maybe it was obvious to me as well. But the part about wanting to have more of a voice, and a desire to “make a larger impact” honestly hasn’t been something I’ve even been that curious about until more recently. It wasn’t something that was explicitly drilled into me at a young age. I was born before “growing a following” was such a common thing. I remember being told that “they’re looking for leaders” before I went into a prestigious college interview, and when I got to college being told “how important it is to network”. Neither statement resonated with me. I didn’t understand what they meant, and they also just felt so fake and boring. My MO has always been to keep a tight circle—to develop and nurture the relationships close to me—rather than to prioritize having a huge rolodex. To go deep rather than wide.

But now I see so much more of what “they” were talking about. Duh. In the 15 or so years I was in the corporate world, I learned being good at your job only gets you so far. After that, it becomes all about “perception management”, which basically just means becoming famous within your company, with the people who are making the decisions. A new friend told me a story recently about how when her husband used to work for a large company, he won a company-wide contest for something random that had nothing to do with job performance (I’m drawing a blank on the detail of what it was for). After that, his name was well-known throughout the company as “the guy who won that contest”, and it gave him a leg up at the company and great rapport with the top execs.

The benefits of being famous are of course also true when you have your own business. And if you’re fighting for a cause. If you’re trying to start a movement. If you want to get a message across. The current person in the white house won the presidency largely based on pure “charisma” and manipulating the media into making him the most famous and most talked about person in the world. Sigh.³

All that being said…the first thing I mentioned noticing, i.e. the trend towards more privacy, feels so much more aligned. In my youth, I always thought the coolest girls were the ones who maintained an air of mystery. The socialites you’d see written about once in a while; Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Moss in the nineties. I still feel the same. Some of the coolest girls of my generation, e.g. Sofia Coppola, Chloë Sevigny, Phoebe Philo, are only seen rarely, and almost never do interviews. This kind of creative privacy feels like the ultimate luxury.

Exceptions to this privacy-equals-cool rule, however, are my actual real friends (the coolest girls I know), and all the people in my real life. I don’t want any mystery there—on the contrary, I want to know everything!!! As Diane Von Furstenberg said on a podcast a few months back, “I am only interested in intimacy.” And if you can’t give me genuine intimacy, I want privacy!

I’m Nobody! Who are you?

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Emily Dickinson (1830 – 1886)

Image via Liv Tyler/Instagram.

Rediscovering my love of writing over the last year or so has allowed me to start threading the needle between maintaining my privacy (I don’t have to put myself on video! I don’t have to constantly take pictures of myself! I don’t have to cry on camera! OMG), while also being able to put myself out there and contribute to a larger conversation in a way that feels authentic to me. I hope it’s helpful. Xo.

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Before I go, I also wanted to share some fun things I found for Valentine’s Day:

The coolest red & pink sneakers

Comme des Garcons x Spalwart Colorblock Suede Runner Sneakers, $475

I came across these sneakers by accident as I was searching for the neutral ones. I’ve had my eye on the ivory ones for a while but this limited edition collab with Comme des Garcons came up in my search results and I love them for Valentine’s or any other day! Also love both of the other colors! If you haven’t heard of them, Spalwart is a Swedish sneaker brand that has become kind of an “iykyk” sneaker brand for fashion ppl that isn’t as pricey as most of the designer sneakers (but still a bit pricey ha). I also came across new Nikes recently and love them! In the neutral color of course, but also the pink & red version.

The world’s best bubble bath

FORK & MELON Clean Luxury Bubble Bath, $38

Of course I’m biased, but I really do think we have the best (and prettiest) bubble bath! Nothing better than a relaxing bubble bath, some relaxing music, and a good book.

A healthier (and sexier) version of Nutella

Ghia “Ghianduja” hazelnut spread aka healthier Nutella, $32 for pack of 2

If you know me, you know I am a chocolate nut. Hand me a dessert menu and I will always pick the richest, chocolatiest thing they have. However, I’m also a bit of a health nut, especially when it comes to choosing real foods over processed and trying to limit sugar intake. So when I recently discovered Ghia (the trendy non-alcoholic cocktail brand by chic founder

Melanie Masarin

) came out with a healthier version of Nutella that is made with half the sugar, and olive oil instead of palm oil, I was interested. They sell in packs of 2 (assume for shipping reasons): Smooth, Crunchy, or one of each. They also have a “sexy” version: a collaboration with functional mushroom brand Alice Mushrooms, infused with botanicals that “work in harmony to enhance desire”. Mais oui!

Our new handmade bag charm & key chain

FORK & MELON “Soap AF” handmade bag charm & key chain, $85

This is a recent addition—clip it to the outside of your purse as a statement of personal style⁴, or use as a chic key chain. Each one is handmade and can be personalized for you (send me a note directly or put in detailed notes during checkout). P.S. if you join the trend-setters & early-adopters in upgrading to a paid SOAP AF subscription, I’ll send you one for free❤️

The chicest boat shoe loafers with a red twist

Sandro Paris Leather Boat Shoe Loafers, $385

A beautiful boat shoe loafer with a red lace. Très chic! I would hold onto these forever.

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Thanks for reading, I appreciate you.

Xoxo with love,

Cher

1. If I’m due for a post and you don’t see it, please check your spam and/or your Promotions folders and move the email to your Primary Inbox.

2. Parasocial meaning: one-sided emotional connection with a media figure, such as a celebrity, influencer, or fictional character.

3. Will refrain from commenting on that further, at least for now.

4. You may know bag charms were a Jane Birkin staple back in the day, and that they’ve been having a resurgence the last year or so. Though the trend has been going for a little while now, it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere (for

Allison Bornstein

, 2025 is the “year of the accessory”), especially if it speaks to you.