I wanna try everything
including cheap jeans, "personality socks", and my first Substack post
Editor’s note: I wrote this on Monday before the devastating fires started just north of me in LA. It is so awful. I know people who have lost entire homes and entire communities will need to be rebuilt. If looking for ways to help, you can donate here, here, here, and here. Sending love and praying for everyone.
Dear Reader,
Right before Christmas I wrote about how a big chunk of 2024 had been largely consumed by my mom’s rare and serious illness. But that we had made it through!! We were on the other side!! And I was feeling hopeful.
I was (am) SOOOO grateful and hopeful for all the obvious reasons.
And additionally, I was grateful and hopeful for the prospect of more time to focus in 2025. (I am still a toddler mom but it’s all relative.)
I’m bursting with ideas! I’m bursting with clarity! FORK & MELON is going unscented this year! We’re making it even more convenient! We have chic new bottle collections launching and it’s going to be so cool! I’m going to fully commit to my newsletter and move it to Substack!
The Sunday before this New Year’s Eve (during the blissful time of year when most everything is still on pause), my husband, 3-year-old daughter, tiny dog, and I had planned to stay in Palm Springs for a night, on our way back from a nice time visiting my husband’s family, to see one of my very best and oldest friends1, my Godson, and their family. We had planned to have a nice night visiting with them there and then all get up early the next day and do the tram, where you board the tram, it’s a perfect 75-ish degrees on the ground, and after a beautiful ride up the mountain, you get off and there’s snow everywhere!
But almost as soon as we pulled into the hotel Sunday afternoon, I got a call from my sister in tears saying my dad had just been taken to the hospital in an ambulance, due to a fall at the park with my mom where he was disoriented and couldn’t get up. We never checked into the hotel, and we drove home. What followed was a terrifying period of speculation, not knowing what was going on. All the worst-case scenarios flooded in as possibilities. It was so shocking and scary– my dad had always been strong and healthy.
After waiting overnight for several tests, we were told he would need to have emergency brain surgery for subdural hematoma, followed by another surgery to ensure it wouldn’t come back. I spent every day last week in the hospital and slept at my mom’s house a couple of nights so she wouldn’t be alone.
If I’m totally honest, in addition to the shock, fear, numbness, and other torrent of emotions, there was an element of anger that I felt going through this. We had just been through such a long, overwhelming, exhaustive health journey caring for my mom. We had already spent so much time in hospitals. We had spent months worrying and caretaking. We thought that was in the rearview mirror.
THANKFULLY DAD IS OK. Both surgeries went extremely well. He is doing even better than expected and was able to come home this weekend. Still recovery ahead.
I’m writing this after taking E2 to school this morning– her first day back after Christmas vacation that I’m not at the hospital. While we’re in the car together, sometimes we’ll chat, sometimes I’ll listen to my own podcasts or music, and sometimes we’ll put on her music of choice. She requested the Paw Patrol album this morning, ha. When I got back to the car after dropping her off, the Paw Patrol album had ended (it’s very short) and it had automatically switched to a Paw Patrol-adjacent station3. The Shakira song “Try Everything” from the movie Zootopia came on and for whatever reason I felt like I wanted to let it play, rather than switching to one of my music stations or podcasts or switching it off altogether to let my mind wander and hear myself think. I’ve heard this song several times before4 and liked it and kind of heard the words before, but this morning I really listened to the words:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I messed up tonight, I lost another fight Lost to myself, but I'll just start again I keep falling down, I keep on hitting the ground I always get up now, see what's next Birds don't just fly, they fall down and get up Nobody learns without gettin' it wrong I won't give up, no, I won't give in 'Til I reach the end, and then I'll start again No, I won't leave, I wanna try everything I wanna try even though I could fail I won't give up, no, I won't give in 'Til I reach the end, and then I'll start again No, I won't leave, I wanna try everything I wanna try even though I could fail Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Try everything Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Try everything Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Try everything Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Look how far you've come, you filled your heart with love Baby, you've done enough, take a deep breath Don't beat yourself up, no need to run so fast Sometimes we come last, but we did our best I won't give up, no, I won't give in 'Til I reach the end, and then I'll start again No, I won't leave, I wanna try everything I wanna try even though I could fail I won't give up, no, I won't give in 'Til I reach the end, and then I'll start again No, I won't leave, I wanna try everything I wanna try even though I could fail I'll keep on making those new mistakes I'll keep on making them every day Those new mistakes Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Try everything Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Try everything Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Try everything Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Try everything
I’ve always loved singing in the car and for some reason I started tearing up when singing the words, “I wanna try even though I could fail”. Maybe I’m hormonal and/or maybe it was a weird release after everything last week (or last year), but I was full on crying in the car and proceeded to play the song on repeat at least 10-15 more times while singing along and listening to the words.
I wanna try everything, and not get as hung up on the outcome. Experiences like those of last week and the last several months clarify what matters– who cares if I look dumb (in whatever new thing I’m trying)? And who even cares if that’s a cliché thing to say? No matter how many times people say it, it’s a life-long pursuit no one has perfected, to be expanded into more and more areas of life, i.e. the not-caring. And in the simplest way– I just want the opportunity to really try!
I can feel myself letting go of some of the fear-of-being-seen, limiting beliefs, and things that have held me back in the past. They say “life begins at 40; everything before that is just research”5. This year will take me smack into the middle of my forties (!) and I can feel myself continue to come into my own power6. I’ve written about making intentional decisions from a young age, but I want to hone listening to my inner authority more and more, in not just big life decisions but in the countless tiny decisions we make every day– how I respond to things, what I focus on, how I take action, and even smaller things like what I eat7, whether I work out or rest that day, and what I wear. Though using my intuition to dress is something that has always come naturally.
As I write this I’m working from home– my only outings for the day are taking E to and from school, and a few errands afterwards. I’m wearing a black voluminous cropped sweatshirt8, high-waisted drapey full-length wide-leg jeans that I was searching everywhere at all price points for all December to no avail (I couldn’t find ones that were long enough and in stock in my size) and finally found9, and my black Birkenstock EVA clogs that I wrote about last year. I wanted some more personality in the outfit, just to make myself happy, so I’m wearing these fun new socks that my amazing mother-in-law got me for Christmas. They are the perfect gift, in that I’m not sure I would have thought to buy them for myself but I love them. I feel like they’re a perfect marker of personality, when fashion has been so pared down and BEIGE for a while. Apparently this sock brand also did a collaboration with fashion illustrator Richard Haines (other clients of his include Prada and Dries). I also like these, these, and these ones.
Here's to trying new things this year and caring less what people think. Including my first Substack post.10
With love xoxo,
Cher
We’ve been friends since we were in the womb– our parents were friends before we were born.
My daughter.
Maybe a function of my age but I haven’t yet converted to Spotify and instead pay for Pandora premium. It’s so easy to use for music!
Mostly when it comes up on E’s music stations, but I originally heard the song when I saw the Zootopia movie years before E was born– so good! I look forward to watching it with E when she’s a bit older.
I guess it was Carl Jung who said it.
Meant in the least indulgent way possible.
On the morning of my dad’s first surgery, during the hours we were waiting, knowing they were operating on my dad’s BRAIN– we wanted coffee, mostly as a distraction to fill the time. There was a Starbucks close by, and I offered to go while my mom and sister waited in the hospital cafeteria. I rarely go to Starbucks anymore but every once in a while an old-school Grande Soy Latte does the trick. I even treated myself to one of their chocolate chip brownies and ate the entire thing at like 10am in the morning (not something I normally do). My body needed it.
Not this exact one but similar.
In keeping with the theme of trying new things and not caring what ppl think, I’m sharing the fact that I’m wearing an outfit made up of a Gap sweatshirt, and X-long American Eagle jeans which I’ve never dared to buy before (but I’m a real fashion person! I’m not basic! Or a 15 year old! And Laura Reilly just posted that her go-to outfit lately is a Banana Republic sweater polo and Aritzia sweatpants! lol). I did take the American Eagle leather tag off the back of the jeans with a seam ripper. And they look great!
I still care what you think.